Hollywood, Ca

In a surprise move, an unnamed US Soccer source leaked news that Hollywood actor Tom Cruise is the top candidate as assistant coach of the US men’s national team.  Cruise, who has never played, has been spotted recently on the fields around Hollywood watching his children play. He would be supporting the head national team coach but focus mainly on the identification and development process of the youth national teams. 

Tom would focus his efforts on scouting the youth programs in the US, including mainly USYSA, AYSO, US Club Soccer, and Super Y league events. He would focus primarily on US Club ID2, USYSA ODP, Super Y league ODP, and AYSO plus programs.  In addition, he would make every effort to scout high school soccer (fall, winter and spring), futsal, off the wall indoor, and due to his southern California location, beach soccer events.  Finally, he would also look for talent in unsanctioned leagues, as well as MLS, USL (A-League, PDL) MPSL, and CISL leagues.  Time permitting, he would also spend time internationally looking at Americans abroad or with American lineage.

  US Soccer has apparently named the project “Mission Impossible, Part 4”.  A US Soccer source, who wished to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying “With Cruise’s experiences in several other ‘impossible missions’, which were all very well received, we figured he was the best candidate to take on the impossible mission of figuring out the youth soccer scene which we have allowed to develop at US Soccer.  We aren’t concerned about his lack of soccer experience, and are looking forward to a fresh face in the US Soccer scene, although we think he will fit in perfectly with the rest of the youth coaches who act like they can develop and identify talent," added the anonymous US Soccer source.

  Johann Mruiff of OYSAA declared, " With all the bad actors already surrounding  competitive youth soccer, I cannot believe they will add another". He fumed," What has he done which gives him the ability or the right to decide the fate of all of these soccer playing youngsters.....why he has played less than I have.....and I have never played! " This is a travesty, its a sham , and it's a mockery...why its a traveshamockery...."

  In addition to high salary demands (approx $26 million per year), the final sticking point appears to be Cruise’s demands to be involved in the final selection of the new US head coach and US Soccer strategy. 

  " He wants us to bring in Scientology folks to help with networking, developing the US Soccer Vision and club fundraising", Sunil Gulati is reported to have been speculating,  "Scienctologists have offered clubs a 30% return for each seminar a club hosts.... they claim we can fire our sport's psychology staff .... goal setting is integral  part of the scienctology program. So we got that going for us...... which is nice....."

Some sources report US Soccer may be afraid to say no.....

From “US” Soccer magazine, which shouldn’t be confused with U.S. Soccer magazine.